


Alexithymia

by LightingNike



Series: Tony’s and Steve’s crazy relationship [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Fluff, BAMF Steve Rogers, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, POV Tony Stark, Party, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tears, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, gala - Freeform, lonely boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightingNike/pseuds/LightingNike
Summary: The universe seemed to hate Tony and Steve. Especially when Tony was all Steve wanted.Especially when Tony didn’t want him at all. Especially when Tony was dancing with other women, Steve watching and feeling his heart break into two.Especially when they kissed.The universe hated them, they just knew it, even when they were on opposite sides of the wall.“Why’d you do that!”“I don’t want this! I don’t want you!”Especially when they needed each other.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Tony’s and Steve’s crazy relationship [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710304
Kudos: 57





	Alexithymia

**Author's Note:**

> This is an even better version of the last chapter from the avengers learn about Tony fic . Like 10x better. And it’s kinda edited maybe a lil bit
> 
> alexithymia (n) the inability to express your feelings

The sting of the glass was almost nonexistent as it pierced his skin. Steve hardly noticed the broken glass in his hand as he stared at Tony across the room. There he was, waltzing away with a broad completely engrossed with her. And there was Steve by the bar with a broken the champagne glass in his hand, the liquid and small pieces of glass dripping to the floor. 

God he was a mess. 

Steve kept his fist clasped together pushing the glass deeper into his skin. There wasn’t much pain, certainly not enough for him to actually show it on his face, but it was enough to bring him back to reality. 

Tony would never love him. 

Steve turned back to the bar, never releasing his fist, and stared at the counter. He didn’t want to see the damage done to his hand- his heart already had been through enough- Steve didn’t need to see anymore. Steve just couldn’t believe what he saw, well he didn’t want to believe, but it was real. 

Those weeks they spent together getting to know each other meant everything to him. Even more than his time spent with Peggy, although he will always value that. But to Tony, those weeks meant nothing. 

The gala was going to be his chance, Steve decided earlier that evening. But now thinking about, he didn’t think it all the way through. He didn’t even know if Tony liked him, nevertheless loved him. All the beautiful women here proved that loud and clear. Steve couldn’t compete with them, he would lose every time. He just wasn’t enough. He would never be enough. 

Steve felt weak in the knees as his thoughts ran away from him. As Tony ran away from him. He had put himself out there for nothing, he guessed, and now here he was heartbroken. No, it was more than heartbroken- it was like grief had taken over his heart for that lonely love he held. How his love could never he paired with Tony’s love. 

It wasn’t a great feeling. 

The bartender snuck glances at the blonde, pity sketched on her face, as she pushed a shot of whiskey in from of Steve. 

It wasn’t enough, Steve thought, thanks for trying but it wasn’t enough. He would need a hundred of those tiny shots to actually feel something. Steve wished he was drunk right now, to not feel this pain. He wished he could tell the bartender to give the whole bottle. But he couldn’t. Steve would look like an alcoholic in front of everybody at the gala. Like he hadn’t looked at an idiot enough? 

A smaller hand reached for the shot in Steve’s view, drank it, and then pounded it back on the table. 

He didn’t care who it was. They were doing him a favor from actually looking at his hand and coming to peace with the reality of things. Steve was going to say thank you, it was the least he could do to the person who was going to save him from a metal breakdown. 

He turned and looked at the man. 

He didn’t like what he saw. 

As if the universe wanted to torment him any more, it was Tony. Perfect Tony with his perfect brown eyes and his perfect hair. The black tuxedo fitting him perfectly in all the right places. Tony’s soft face was scrunched up in confusion as reached to take hold of Steve’s fists. 

“It’s not battle time, Captain, you can stand down.” Tony opened Steve’s right fist and saw the glass. He let out a soft gasp once looking at the small seeps of blood and began to cradle Steve’s hand, trying his best to hover over the bloody cracks of skin. “Well a bit of glass isn’t much damage, you’ll survive.”

“Sorry.” Steve said absently. 

Steve didn’t have time for the jokes or the teasing or Tony’s pretty face or the universe deciding to have a field day with his life! As if it hadn’t been doing that since the beginning! Tony’s here, right up in his face, being soft and caring and his perfect self. He was so close but Steve couldn’t even touch him -he couldn’t even look at him. The universe had made the rules loud and clear, Tony Stark was off limits, and was now testing Steve to see if he would break them. 

It wasn’t fair. 

“Come with me, I’ll take care you,” Tony slightly gripped Steve’s arm with a smile and lead them away from the party, “Your in luck. I always book a room just in case the party becomes too much or something else happens.” Tony climbed the stairs two at a time, not daring to look back at Steve behind him. 

Of course Tony had this room, for the one night stands he was famous for. The life everyone knew about before Tony had cleaned up his act about a year ago. Steve had actually read a few of them and worried that he wouldn’t be enough for the infamous Tony Stark. This man had seen everyone and been with everyone. He was an experienced lover. Steve was not. If he was given just a night with Tony in the room, Steve would cherish it for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t ask for any more or tempt his faith. That would be enough. 

Steve couldn’t even get that. He wasn’t enough. 

But he wasn’t here for that, he was here to fix his stupid hand after acting like a idiot. Tony was probably just feeling pity for him, Steve thought, and he knew he would do the same if he saw himself. 

God, he was an idiot. 

They entered a hotel room, with two twin sized beds and luxurious windows, only the best for Tony Stark. 

Steve couldn’t even compete with this room! He was nothing! 

“Sit on the bed and get comfy. Let me just-“ Tony rummaged through the first Aid kit for whatever tools he needed. Steve followed the orders and stared at Tony. This wasn’t helping himself, he knew it wasn’t. Maybe he needed to cut ties?Soon Tony turned around with a bright smile on his face, tweezers and small bandages in his hands. “Doctor Stark is here,” Tony tried to lighten the air.

Steve grief was still pounding in his chest. 

He watched as Tony became so engrossed with his hand, the little rise of his right eyebrow and how his eyes became smaller with concentration. The smaller man acted as if he blocked out the world with such ease and became something to far to reach. Steve enjoyed it when Tony went in his cycle, it gave more time to study the man when he wasn’t always in a rush. Especially when Tony would return back to the world, blinking and trying to recognize where he was at. It was quite silly to watch, but it was entertaining to Steve. 

Tony was entertaining. 

Well, Tony was everything. 

“Can’t seem to resist a pretty face huh?” Tony spoke suddenly, pressing on the last bandage. Their heads both leaned over to look at the hand, almost touching. 

Steve eyes glanced at Tony while the man finished the last touches on his hand. God, he just wanted to remember his face this close up. He wanted to work out the last details of his face before he cut the last string. Before he let Tony go. 

Steve just- he just needed to . . . he needed to be sure. 

Tony looked up at Steve, starting to get nervous as he made eye contact. The room felt smaller as they began focused on one another. 

“Why are you staring?” Tony asked, the tip of his mouth curling upwards. 

Steve crashed his lips onto Tony’s, as if he was reaching for air. It wasn’t rough or fast, just hungry. It would be his last act of defiance against the universe. He promised. 

And what better way to spend it than kissing Tony Stark.

To his surprise, Tony began to kiss back passionately. It was a jolt of energy against Steve’s steady path around Tony’s lips but felt good. They explored each other’s mouths as they shared a breath, oblivious to the world. Steve dipped his tongue into Tony’s mouth and heard a moan form the man. He wanted more but this was enough. 

It felt so perfectly right. 

But Tony’s pulled away fast, and Steve’s bliss was replaced with regret. 

Now he was fucking royal idiot. 

“Why’d you do that?” Tony spoke, his voice rising with panic. He began to breathe deeper, trying his best to calm down but it wasn’t working. His eyes looked around the room frantically as he paced around the room, not making eye contact with Steve. “Why’d you do that!” 

“How is this my fault? You kissed back!” The blond suddenly grew angry, now standing as well. That kiss was everything and now Tony was acting like it was the worse thing to happen. But it couldn’t be, that was all Steve wanted. It felt like Tony wanted it too. 

He knew Tony wanted it! 

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but it was never supposed to come to this.” Tony started to run his hand in his hair, never looking at Steve. He was dealing out badly, and Steve had never seen him like this. 

“You don’t care?”

“Of course I care! ” Tony yelled back, “It’s just-“. He couldn’t finish the sentence, he didn’t want to admit it. Not to Steve, not to himself, not to no one. 

Tony stopped pacing the room, stopping far away from Steve so he wouldn’t be tempted to do that again, he didn’t need to do that again. The man let out a breath. He didn’t make contact with Steve blue eyes, those eyes that were pleading for an answer. His hands turned into a fist, ironically what got them started in this mess. 

“I don’t know, Steve. I don’t know.” He whispered. Those words were too much for the lump in his throat to handle, but Tony kept it together. 

He just needed Steve to leave. 

“The way I feel when I’m with you…”

“Just stop it Steve. Stop it!” Tony almost shrieked, arms swinging in a ‘x’ fashion. He breathing deeply now, trying to gain control of his panic and Steve wasn’t helping. Tony didn’t have time for love, he didn’t deserve it anyway. He wasn’t a relationship guy, no one wanted him long term, it just wouldn’t work out. 

Why couldn’t Steve understand that!

“No Tony, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want this. I’ll leave but I need you to say it.” 

Steve was aggressive, causing Tony to flinch, but he stood his ground. The blonde wasn’t going to miss out on this life that he missed with Peggy. He wasn’t going to miss out on his last chance at love because he was too scared to try. 

Steve waited for the answer, his heart pounding out of his chest, just waiting for an answer! He was scared out of his mind, and maybe he shouldn’t have done that, but the damage was done. 

Steve watched Tony finally look at him, noticing the fierceness in his eyes and how he held himself up taller. 

“I don’t want this. I don’t want you.” rang through Steve’s ears. He had no idea how he was still standing at this point with his legs going limp. His past feelings of bliss plummeted towards the ground and out of his body, right next to his feet. Then his heart followed suit, breaking once it hit the ground. A small pile of his feelings torn into two right by to Steve’s feet, torn so easily by eight words. 

He wasn’t enough.

His eyes watered threatening to drop those big puddles as he tried to keep it together. At least so he wouldn’t cry in front of Tony. Steve stormed out the room, slamming the door rather harshly. 

Now he could cry. Now he could cry and pick up the pieces of his heart and maybe try to put it back together. He slid down on the wall by the hotel room, once hitting the ground he put his head in his lap. 

‘Don’t regret it’ was all he could repeat in his mind. He didn’t want to regret that, he had wanted it so much that it was more of a dream come true. Maybe he had just ruined a friendship but it was worth it. Steve just didn’t want to regret it. 

The tears dripped onto his suit, mixing with the dried champagne. This wasn’t really his suit, Tony paid for it and Tony took him to get fitted. Tony invited his to this gala. Tony made the tech and Tony owned the tower and Tony provided for everyone. Tony, Tony, Tony. Everything revolved around Tony. 

And Steve was sick of it. 

-

“I don’t want this. I don’t want you.” Tony said sternly. Even as he said it, the lump in his throat became harder to swallow down, he knew he didn’t mean it. He knew he was lying to himself. It wasn’t true and it would never be true. 

But Steve didn’t deserve him. No matter how much Steve looked like he wanted this, with those big hopeful eyes, he was too good for someone like Tony. The brunette wasn’t going to let this happen, he just couldn’t. He didn’t want Steve to go through that pain. 

All Tony’s relationships ended up in pain. 

Steve especially didn’t deserve that.

He watched Steve stare at him, then run out the room, as his own eyes began to water. The slam caused him to flinch and he couldn’t hold it together any longer. The lump was becoming undone as he chin wobbled. Tony looked around for a answer, something that told him he made the right decision. But this was just a hotel room and he was just a man, not the fucking universe. 

If he was the universe this wouldn’t be happening.

Tony dropped to the floor, tears running down his cheeks. Why did Steve do that, he thought, does he want to hurt him? No one wanted a relationship with him, no one could deal with him, and it didn’t help his heart when he was being teased. 

The ugly big fat tears had come by now and he held his knees close to his chest. He looked like a child who had just gotten yelled at rather harshly. The man was even a horrible ugly crier!

Tony had locked these feelings away long ago, and tried a friendship route, for he knew Steve would never actually want to date him. It- it wasn’t fair, his mind replied, it wasn’t fair how Steve could just walk in here and undo all his hard work. Tony couldn’t count how many times he had to fight his temptations to kiss the blonde. He couldn’t count how many times he had wanted to hold Steve’s hand but didn’t. Just for Steve to come and do that! It wasn’t fair! 

“The way I feel when I’m with you” Steve had said. Tony wondered what he was going to say. Steve couldn’t have actually wanted to be with him, but what if he said was something good. Something to make Tony’s heart beat faster or swell with warmth? Maybe Steve had actually meant that kiss? Maybe Steve actually wanted to be with him?

Or maybe Steve wanted to ruin his life. 

He needed to stop crying. God he needed to stop crying and stop thinking and stop existing. Everything would be easier if he was gone. Not dead but just gone. Then maybe his heart wouldn’t be ripping to pieces because of Steve. 

If Steve didn’t kiss him then all of this mess wouldn’t have happened, his mind answered. 

No, if Tony hadn’t kissed back then all of this mess wouldn’t have happen. 

Tony had always been a flirt but this was different. Anyone that he ever kissed will say he was amazing but with Steve . . . Tony wanted to give it his best. He was never supposed to kiss Steve, he knew it, but it was too hard to resist. Tony had been wanting to do that since forever.

He had been wanting Steve since forever. 

But Tony had sent him off with those horrible words. 

“I don’t want you.” 

He didn’t know he could be so harsh. 

So now he was crying. And trying his best to stop crying. It was ironic. Tony’s whole life was ironic!

Just why did Steve do that! 

Forgetting that all this ever happened might be what Tony had to do. He could act like this never happened. The man had been acting all his life, it would be easy. He could wipe those feelings away and that kiss. Ghey could both do it. 

Tony wiped his face quickly and started to pick up the pieces of his dignity left on the floor. He was going to call Happy and go home. 

Then he remembered, he was supposed to go home with Steve. Tony couldn’t handle being in a confined backseat with the blonde! He could call Steve a Uber or one of Peppers chafferers to pick him up. 

We’ll see, Tony thought as he texted Happy telling him to come quickly. Pushing himself off the ground, he looked around the room noticing the glass still on the floor. 

“Why did Steve break that glass anyway?” He mumbled to himself.  
He pushed the thought out of his mind as he exited the hotel room, hoping that no would see him. The red face and the blotchy eyes; he looked a mess. God, he hoped no one was out there or his life will be ruined. The media could tear him apart if they got a picture of him looking like this. 

He opened the door. There Steve was, on the ground, head in his knees. 

God, why didn’t the universe swallow him up right then and there. 

Tony’s legs moved faster than his brain did, sinking towards the ground right next to Steve. He didn’t know what he was doing but he was doing it. He didn’t know why but he was. Tony’s heart raced faster as he took told of Steve hands, watching the blonds head raise up. 

Those blue eyes were surprised, god Tony was surprised, but were also red and blotchy. 

Tony made Steve cry. He made Captain America cry. 

He felt like an asshole. 

“I’m sorry”

“For what exactly?” Steve snapped. 

“For lying.” He averted his eyes away from Steve’s. Tony didn’t know why he said that. He could have said for making Steve cry or yelling at him. He could has said he was sorry for those harsh words he spit out. But he said he was sorry for lying. Gosh, he could confuse himself without even trying. 

“About what?” Steve voices was laced in clear confusion. 

The lump in Tony’s throat was coming back. His eyes were becoming wet again. His breaths started to become deeper. It felt like an anxiety attack, Tony knew the feeling by heart. His flight instinct was telling him to go go go but he couldn’t. Tony didn’t want to admit it. 

Steve scoffed and let go of Tony’s hand. He was probably disappointed that I’m a fucking coward, popped up in his mind. Why could he get those words out? I want to be with you or I love you or I want you! It was like he just lost his voice when trying to say those god forbidden words. Tony remembered the word for it, alexithymia, and how badly it sucked.

“If you just came to break my heart some more then get bent.” 

“I want you” It was barely audible, like the wind moving calmly on an uneventful day. 

“You what?”

“God Steve, I want you! I always wanted you. But I-” Tony basically yelled, taking a deep breath when he remembered we’re they where. “I’m not right for you.” 

“What do you mean?” Steve raised his hand to cup Tony’s check but drew it back quickly. Tony just knew Steve’s hand was supposed to be there. But he didn’t deserve Steve, he never would. It was better for Steve not to touch him- then the feelings will stop and everything will stop! They would stop thinking that they were meant to be. 

Because Tony was Tony. And Steve was Steve. They shouldn’t mix. 

“Steve you know what I mean! I can’t hold a relationship because I’m me. I’m too much work and you deserve someone better who isn’t going to bring you down. I’m a disappointment, Steve! Im good for a one night stand and that’s it, then I leave. It just wouldn’t work out. I’m just-” Tony was panting. He had been knowing this since he was 20, but saying it out loud gave it a newfound anger he didn’t know he had. He felt some lonely tears fall down but those were full of rage and felt hot on his skin. 

Then Steve connected his hand to Tony’s check, wiping the tears away. And his eyes were soft and trusting. 

And Tony just felt sadness. 

“I’m not what you want Steve, not deep down. I’m not right for you.”

“Is that what you think of yourself? I'm sorry to disappoint you but your not a disappointment. I’m better when I’m with you. You just make people better! You are all I want, anyone would want you, you hear me. Look at me, okay, I’m serious! You bring out the best out of everyone Tony. ” Steve stared into Tony’s eyes. 

Tony didn’t know why Steve was saying all these nice things. It didn’t make sense, he had just made him cry and now Steve is encouraging him. Tony wasn’t all those nice things and he knew it, he had been told that since forever. 

Just because Steve said that he was, wasn’t going to undo what he thought about himself. 

“I want you to be happy. And you can’t do that if your thinking all those evil things about yourself Tony. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.” 

“I don’t think I can do that alone, Cap.” Tony mumbled. 

“Then I’ll be here with you.” Steve kissed his check. Tony leaned onto Steve his back against the blonde’s chest. He was lucky to have him, Tony knew it. He wanted to be with the man and was willing to work for it. Even if it meant actually trying to undo his self hate because it would be worth it. 

It would be hard but worth it. Because maybe they were meant to be. Maybe he could actually try a long term relationship and not just dip when things got hard. Maybe he could claim Steve has his and him as Steve’s. Just maybe-

“How bout we get out of here and go to a burger joint?” Steve asked suddenly. Tony turned and looked the man in the eye, so seriously and earnest. 

“You just read my mind.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, I need the love!


End file.
